Get Off the Stage
My initial reaction is to say that the thing I fear most doing is socializing, but I suppose that’s not entirely true. I can, when prompted, socialize just fine. I just don’t like doing it. I’d prefer to live as hermetically as possible.
But when it comes to a genuine fear, then I suppose public speaking is pretty high up on that list. I absolutely detest getting up in front of a crowd and discussing a topic in great detail. I’m sure it’s just a matter of practicing and doing it repeatedly, but I think the initial fear of going up and having all eyes on you drains me of any motivation to ever volunteer, especially since it’s not like my job and/or lifestyle really calls for such occasions.
I never understood why it was required to do public speaking in grade school. There always seemed like a better way of testing a student on their grasp of the material, and the sort of speeches that grade-school students gave, myself included, were always so very terrible. If anything, I feel as if a good chunk of the credit as to why public speaking is so difficult for so many people could probably be attributed to the poor guidance given by teachers as to how to overcome one’s natural hesitations and dislike for speaking in front of the class.
The only feedback I ever received about how good or bad I did presenting the information I was supposed to regurgitate in front of the class was always some letter grade, but I was never really give any sort of concrete suggestions or feedback that could be considered useful in perhaps getting better and less nervous when giving a public speech. Instead, I developed a horrible anxiety about the whole matter, and that sort of feeling only grew with time.
Now, the handful of times in which I do need to speak in front of a crowd of more than three people, I will stutter and stumble over most words. I have a hard time looking at people, and so it probably just looks like I’m just staring off into space, which I will then become incredibly paranoid about and start to intensely look at everyone as awkwardly as possible. Without fail, I forget what I need to say, or I will speed through everything that needs to be said so fast that it becomes difficult to understand what it is I’m discussing, both for the audience and myself as well.
While I absolutely detest giving public speeches, I do not envy the position that anyone in the audience must go through while listening to whatever I’m talking about. I mumble. I sweat. I skip over huge chunks of the speech that I thought I had memorized. I do not follow a coherent line of reason. It really must be quite a mess listening to me stumble through my speech. And yet…and yet, for whatever reason, the audience will always limply clap at the end. Never because I did a particularly good job, but rather out of a sense of obligation, because, well, that’s what you do when you listen to a person give the most awkward, incomprehensible speech imaginable; just nod, and wait until they get off the stage.
With all that said, though, I’d much rather give a public speech than have anyone ever touch any of my nails. I have a true, though slightly weird, phobia about anyone touching my nails. It stems from my parents not paying too close attention to me while growing up, and so I got into watching a lot of inappropriate horror movies, especially the ‘Saw’ franchise and any of Rob Zombie’s movies. I credit having watched those films as the reasons why I can no longer stand gore in horror movies, nor do I like when anyone other than myself touches my nails, as I have this abnormal fear that they will rip the nail off and, I dunno, torture me or something.
It usually not that big of a deal. I just cannot go and ever get a manicure or pedicure, which is fine by me. But I also kinda dislike whenever people click their nails together, but that’s probably more so a personal preference in not enjoying that sound rather than a fear….though I’d say it stems from my fear of people touching my nails in some way.
The two fears have little to do with one another, other than the fact that they’ll elicit the same sort of heart-palpitating anxiety from me, and I’ll just start to shut down and want to be left alone more so than normal. So yeah, I guess just never ask me to speak in public or try to touch my nails, and I think we’re good, since I cannot see a scenario for the rest of my life where either of those things would be necessary to do in order to live a fulfilled sort of life.
Fred Aiken Writing 