Fred Aiken Writing

It’s that time of year again. I need to decide whether or not to subscribe to my life in order to keep living or if I pack it in, let them, whoever they are, come collect my belongings and remains, and drift off to wherever the hell it is we go when the subscription isn’t renewed.

I thought about not subscribing a few years back. Life wasn’t quite great. I made a few poor investments, some on margin with gauging interest rates. I hadn’t found anyone that wanted to spend thirty minutes with me, much less the rest of their lives. I hadn’t even gotten laid in close to three years. I’m pretty sure there was a global pact that every bird in the world shit on me for target practice. My parents no longer talked to me. I dislocated my shoulder getting out of a chair because I was out of shape. My favorite mug broke. I could no longer remember that song that I once liked that helped pick me up. And I’m pretty sure all my coworkers hated me.

Plus, re-subscribing each year requires reading through all the fine print of what it means to continue on with life and I was just never good with reading, especially if the font was half the size of an amoeba. Then my psychiatrist said I had antisocial personality disorder. I asked her what to do about it, and she said take four of these and keep coming back. I routinely forget to take my antisocial pills. I forget to take melatonin. I forget that I committed to taking multivitamins years ago as a New Year’s resolution in an effort to get healthy. I think I was even supposed to start taking some vitamin to help with memory loss, but I forgot about that one too.

But I wouldn’t feel bad for myself. I’m probably a piece of shit when it’s all said and done. I get in these obsessive moods where I play online chess for hours on end, and whenever I blunder a piece, or just don’t like my opponent, then I scream out fuck bitch cunt. It was a word trio I came up with in my head years ago to express my frustrations rather than deal with them in a healthy manner. I don’t think anyone has ever overheard me, though I find it weirdly difficult to suppress the urge to say it while out in public, especially if I’m playing chess. Which is the reason I try to only play chess at home, when there’s no one around, and sometimes even in the dead of night when most people are sleeping.

I also like to get online and troll everyone, including people I probably genuinely agree with. I don’t know why I do it. It’s a compulsion really. But not one I’m particularly proud of. I know it’s only because all of my comments are anonymous. I’m sure if I were to be doxxed then I’d stop. But I don’t think the people I troll seem to care all that much about my comments, my negativity, my contrarian attitude, or even my existence. I’m not saying they should. It’s probably for the best that I’m ignored when I’m at my worst. It’s kinda like ignoring a crying toddler that’s misbehaving for attention. 

I’ve also never voted. I’m not sure if that should be included in a reason for not wanting to re-subscribe my life, but I feel like it might have at least a tangential reason. It’s not like I’m one of those people that constantly complains about the state of the world. I know it wouldn’t matter, so who gives a fuck. But I can’t help but think that by never participating in the democratic process, however bs it is, still constitutes as a reason I should throw in the towel. 

But the cost. The cost is really where it all falls apart. I mean, inflation has cut into everything. The cost of living has exploded. I would probably need two or three jobs just to stay afloat. And I barely want to work the one job I have as it is. I never bought into bitcoin, or gold, or silver…hell, I didn’t even got the whole fiat fad either. So, yeah, I guess in a way I can’t afford to live anymore. Sure, there’s reasons as to why, but the money Sam. All ya got to do is follow the money. 

It didn’t take all that long for me to feel hopeless. I wish I could tell you it was some grand struggle. Something for the ages. But, you see, I think I was born with the will to give up, unsubscribe from life, and let nature take its course. I ask that it be painless, though you really don’t owe me anything.